short-story: rakugo

[masked_up]

cw: none



Hello! Hello everyone. It's such a pleasure to have you in the audience today. This is rakugo with kuchisake-onna!

Isn't that lovely? Everyone knows the story! I don't need to make any other introduction! --Ah, don't worry. We won't move on to the part of the legend where I fish for compliments. That'll come later, so look forward to it!

It really is convenient to be a kuchisake-onna in a lot of ways! I swear, one time, I got a letter... it was simply addressed to "kuchisake-onna." Can you believe that? No address, no zip code, nothing! --And yet the post office found me! Let's give a round of applause to the post office workers, really, I mean it!

Unfortunately, it was a letter from NHK public broadcasting telling me that I owed them money. I don't even own a television! They're aggressive, aren't they? --If you're not from modern Japan I'm going to tell you: that joke was really funny.

But, it's tough being a kuchisake-onna and needing to make rent payments! That's right, I have my own apartment, of course! I'm not stalking the streets looking for victims! ...Not always, anyway.

Fortunately, they let me have a go as an entertainer. Yes, a kuchisake-onna as an entertainer! Are you entertained? --That was a test. If you said no, you've already got a date with the scissors. There's no way you'll find me beautiful if you can't even find me funny!

The kuchisake-onna legend... tragic, huh? And a little grotesque. Meant to scare people. The kuchisake-onna is an onryo after all. Driven by her desire for revenge! --But then, why seek revenge against unrelated people? You've done nothing against me! ...Except maybe you, in the back row. I swear, you look exactly like my husband... that's right, sir, the man who killed me! ...You seem to know a lot of the details of how it happened, don't you?

[she narrows her eyes at him, points fan from her eyes to him]

Ah, don't worry friend. Of course it's not you. I can tell because you're still alive! --That's right, I got my revenge on that guy who murdered me. Three cheers for me, please?

Because of that, I'm free. I can live easier. I swear just the other day I decided to take a little walk, thinking: "I feel so good about myself. What lovely weather for a walk! Maybe just around the city..." Not near the cemetery. I don't need anyone to think I need an exorcism.

Of course I met some people on my walk. I met a salaryman who was on the way home from his job! He had his suitcase with him and everything. What a hard worker. I decided it wouldn't really hurt to talk to him... so I went up to him and asked him.

"Am I... pretty?"

I swear, it didn't even occur to him that I could be a kuchisake-onna. Is it because masks are in fashion, or just that everyone is more mindful about public health? At any rate, he gave me a smile and told me: "Yes, you're very pretty!" Oh gosh, I was so embarrassed! What a sweetheart! I felt really good about myself.

Then, he asks me: "What about me? Am I handsome?"

...

[long pause]

...Now I was in a bind! I really stepped in it. Do I lie and give him false confidence, or do I tell the truth and break his heart? I think he really thought he was going to finally get a girlfriend. Would he really want a self-made widow, I wonder?

I hemmed, and I hawed, and finally... I told him: "You know, I just remembered I've got somewhere I need to be!" and I just left him there.

See? Kuchisake-onna can pull that trick, too!

So, I made my getaway, and I rounded a corner and found myself face-to-face with a little boy! I swear, he recognized me right away. Kids are easily frightened by ghost stories and urban legends, aren't they? They know all of them...

I realized: "I've got to do something to put this kid at ease before he runs off screaming or something." I didn't really have time to think, so I just blurted out "Am I pretty?"

But, that kid was still scared! He told me: "Y-yes! You're pretty!" I could tell he didn't mean it, but good on that kid for at least trying, right?

So, I crouch down and I tell the kid: "It's fine! Thank you for telling me I'm pretty. Run along, okay?" And he just stared at me.

[She goes wide-eyed, mimicking the expression]

The kid just had no idea what to say to that! Honestly, if I was in his shoes I probably wouldn't have either.

I told him to take a deep breath, in through the nose...

[takes a deep inhale through her nose]

...and out through the mouth.

[She starts to exhale... then coughs.]

Ack! ...Yeah. It was easier for him than it is for me.

Finally, he starts to smile! I tell him again: "Thank you for telling me I'm pretty. See? I'm nice, right? I'm not scary." And, he says "Y-Yeah... I'm not scared!" He got his wits and he was smiling for real now. "Great! I said. just run along... look both ways before you cross the street, okay?" He nodded and then said: "Yes, I will! Thank you again... oba-san!"

...

[she mimes staggering, letting her handkerchief fall to her knees and desperately fanning herself with her fan.]

I see a lot of men in the audience don't get it. And maybe you younger women don't get it either, but just you wait!

A-Anyway, my good mood from the earlier was ruined. I really started to obsess. Do I have a grey hair? A wrinkle? --Yes, the kuchisake-onna is worried about her looks. That's part of the legend! I have license!

I wasn't really watching where I was going anymore, but I found myself in front of two young men. Probably university students. The age where you have stopped believing in urban legends and probably just go to the shrine every new year just out of habit. --I'm sorry if anyone took offense to that last joke! I'm a kuchisake-onna. Shrines are off limits for me. Like I said, don't want to be exorcised and all that. --There's no miko in the audience, right? Good.

I couldn't help myself. I went up to them and asked: "Am I pretty?" I just needed the pick me up at that point.

They look at me... and they're really taking their time about it. The youth of today, am I right? They kept me in suspense. I mean, I've heard every response to that question by now, but come on, give me something!

And then... as if they planned it... they both give me the verdict at the same time.

"Six seven."

...What does that even mean?! The youth of today! Disrespectful... even if you think a woman is ugly, at least lie! Besides, don't they know how the legend goes?! If you say 'no' to the first question, you get killed! Viciously killed! At least say 'yes' and give yourself a chance to move onto the next round! Hahaha. "Next round." What am I, a game show host?

[She waves her fan dismissively]

Anyway...

I want you to imagine me. Me. The kuchisake-onna. Dressed up in my nice kimono, hair done perfectly... pomade and everything... and, I can't help myself. My eyes flash red. Shiny, blood red. Literally, red! I was angry. Soooo angry! These guys are getting the snip-snip, for sure. I can't help myself. My hands reach inside my pocket, and...!

...I had left my scissors at home.

The moral of the story is it's dangerous to carry weapons around! Don't do it! Be a good role-model for those younger!

--Ah. Thank you! You've been a wonderful audience! Thank you very much. You've been just lovely!

Kuchisake-onna rakugo... end!

[fwips out her fan in front of her face]



notes:

[It's said a way to drive off a kuchisake-onna is to say 'pomade' three times at her.]

[Another way to evade the kuchisake-onna is when she asks 'am I pretty?' is to either turn it back on her, or tell her you have somewhere else to be, so that's why the trick with the salaryman.]